That Christian Next Door

I knew this much: I did not know where to look.

Reminiscing on it now, I believe it was a defining moment in my walk with God.

I think I needed to feel as alone as I did in those moments to realize that I was not alone.

I cannot really remember the date or paint you an accurate picture of the look of the day or of my surroundings. Nothing of it is etched into my mind like that.

It was a day like most others. A Saturday, I think. The weather was pleasant and good enough to go out in. I wore a shirt and trousers and the plan I had in my head was to walk from home and evangelize to everyone that crossed my path that afternoon.

So long as they were walking on the street that afternoon, the plan was that I would engage them, share a gospel tract with them, pray with them if they wanted that and continue on to the next person. I would reach my destination, turn back and do the same thing all the way back home.

It was to be different from how I had previously done evangelism a year or so prior, whereby I would go to a busy shopping area in the town, pick a spot to stand at and share gospel tracts with those who walked in that vicinity and were willing to take one.

So on that afternoon, not long after I left home and began walking, the questions in my mind began.

So, if someone were on the other side of the road, would I cross over to them? Would that seem scary? Or if someone was on their phone, would I interrupt them? Which was the best way to get to the chosen destination – the main road or through the housing estate? Being male, how would I approach someone of the opposite sex?

And so I made it up as I went along. If someone was on their phone, it would be rude to interrupt and a bad first impression. Leave them be! If someone was on the other side of the road, it would be too aggressive to cross over to them – scrap that idea! If someone made eye contact, take that as potential for receptiveness and move in. If they avoid eye contact, especially if it seems harder to avoid it than make it, then take the hint. And so on and so forth.

This was how it unfolded that many moments later, after multiple people had walked on by, I had done nothing. No gospel message shared and no connections established. I had gone out but no change in the world had occurred. I could have achieved the very same result by just staying at home.

I returned home distraught. I felt bad. Like I had let myself down. Like I was a fraud. I was full of adoration of Jesus the Christ earlier that day. I declared him to be king of my heart. All I aimed to do was please him – to serve His kingdom – but I shirked the responsibility.

I think I was afraid of something although I cannot say of what exactly. Or perhaps something was holding me back – whichever way: the end result was the same.

I had screwed it up.

Thankfully, a godsend in my family asked how it went and, sensibly, I shared what had happened.

I knew what the devil could do with it if I had held it in. So I confessed it and stripped it of its power to secretly oppress me.

If what I was feeling was going to eat at me, it would have to do so openly!

For many minutes, I just sat around. I did not know what to do with myself, where to look, what perfect sentence to say, or who or what to blame. I just sat slumped, head down for a bit then raised to wistfully stare out of the window.

I was bummed out about the whole thing and bore the full, taunting brunt of inadequacy’s droning whispers.

I am not wont to feeling alone even when I physically am but this time around I felt it.

On the last few steps to my door, when there was no-one in the world left to reach and no reprieve possible, that aloneness felt like a cold, heavy and soaking waterfall.

But there was something else I knew (itself learned from a hard-taught lesson) and it was that if there was such a thing as a good time to talk to God, it would be the times when we feel we could not, we should not or we do not want to.

Accepting the invitation to life in Christ begins with humility – being humble or having been humbled. In this case, I had being stonkingly humbled.

So, I spoke to God. He knew what was going on in my heart anyways so my speech did not have to be impressive. (It has never had to be, to be fair).

Unsurprisingly, He spoke back to me: I had not let Him down. I had simply taken a step of faith that had to be followed with other steps of faith and, through it all, we would be in it together.

***

Nowadays, I have come to see such episodes as tidbits of the Christian heritage and part of a glorious future and a hope as described in the book of Jeremiah chapter 29 verse 11.

For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29 v 11

The devil will question what God really did say, what God really is thinking, what God actually showed you.

Do not fall for the deceit that who you are today is all you will ever be.

God has hope and plans for you – like and subscribe to them for all the latest updates!

Be blessed.